A New Normal

If that's what you can call it. I know it could be worse. Much worse. But it's still not fair. I'm still mad. Very mad. I'm still sad. Very sad. I'm still...I don't know.

Unreal. I still can't fully comprehend the last few months. I honestly think if I went to Mom and Dad's house and he walked through the back door, took his work boots off, and hopped in the shower, I wouldn't think twice about it.

Gus insisted on having Papaw's picture on his nightstand. Bo has dreams about him and wakes up crying and screaming, "I miss Papaw!!". It takes forever to calm him down and get him back to sleep. He never remembers it the next morning.

Church is hard. Gus always sat in his lap while Papaw scratched his back. Gus reminds me of that. I can't stand it when they ask for all the men in the church to come up and sing. I want to scream.

I'm still mad. Very mad. I'm still sad. Very sad. I know it could be worse. Much worse. But it's still not fair.

Anyone there??

I've been terrible about keeping up with the blog. If you still check in from time to time...thank you. I blame it all on a 5 year old boy who is OBSESSED with Kindergarten and learning, a 3 year old boy who thinks he's a comedian and will do anything to get attention, and a 6 1/2 week old little girl who...well...you know newborns require just a little one-on-one attention. Haha. I'd rather spend time with them that the laptop anyway.

So a QUICK update since my last post. I gave birth. To a 6 lb. 12 oz. bald headed bundle of perfection. Sadie Elizabeth Tolleson. September 17, 2012. 12:15 p.m. I'll tell all about her day of delivery later. For now, here's a couple of pictures to tied you over...

 

Papaw and Sadie...notice he still has his hair!

 

First family of 5 photo!

 

I told you she was perfect.

 

 

 

So that's that.
Let me tell you something. I've never really liked the word suck. If I hear my students say it I tell them it's not a bad word it's just not a pretty word. Another word I've never really liked is hate. Once again not a bad word just not a pretty word either. Gus brought a book home the other day from the library and when I told him it was called "I Hate Boots" he thought he was gonna be in trouble for bringing it home. It was kinda cute, but kinda sad. Anyway glad he knows he's not supposed to say it. Well let me tell you something else.
I HATE CANCER.
CANCER SUCKS.

You know when you hear of someone that has just been diagnosed with cancer or is going through the battle with cancer you think...Gosh, another person dealing with that. That poor guy. I'll definitely be praying for him and his family. And you go on about your business. At least that's what I did.
You NEVER have ANY IDEA what it's like until it his home. Anyone out there in my situation can vouch for that. So you ask, "Well how's Ronnie doing?" Depending on who you ask you will get a different answer. Ask Dad and he will tell you things like, "Kicking high and to the right." Ask Mom and...she cries. You figure it out. At his last appointment he still weighed 199. Hasn't lost weight in a few weeks. Doctors say that's a good sign. I got confused and thought they meant to weigh 199 was a good sign, so I started gaining weight to get there. Oops...they were talking to me. His blood work was good too. It's always good at every visit. Don't exactly know what that means but it's better than it being bad. Dr. Reddy is kind of weird.

Something was mentioned about the cancer also being in his lymph nodes. Don't exactly know what that means either. And I have no desire to find out.

He has one more treatment this Tuesday. Then scans. Possibly the following week. The week of Thanksgiving.

Still has all of his hair. That's funny to me.

Well Sadie is telling me to come to her crib and pick her up now. Don't have time to proofread. Please pray. Not for Sadie. Well yes for Sadie. But for my dad too.

Daddy Update

A quick update on Dad...

Thursday was his 2nd chemo treatment. I guess he will be getting them every Thursday from now on. So far this one hasn't made him sick either, but really tired. I'll take him being tired over sick any day though!

Soooo many people have done so much for them during this time. I couldn't even begin to name the people that have brought groceries, cooked supper, visted, and so much more. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you most of all for your prayers. Please continue to do so. The chemo treatments are supposed to start taking full effect soon. Pray they don't make him sick. Pray they don't take all of his energy. Pray they kill the cancer.

Ready or Not...Here Comes School!!!

I still cannot believe my baby Gus is old enough to be in KINDERGARTEN!!! It's neat having him under the same roof as me though! He's talked about Kindergarten all summer! I hope he stays that excited all year!!

 

Since Gus would not be going to Mrs. Nina's this year with Bo, we decided to send Bo to preschool at Kirby. He's not as sure about the whole school thing though. Hopefully he will adjust quickly!!

 

 Headed to Open House!!

 

 I don't know if Head Start is ready for this one or not!!

 

He wanted his hair spiked!!

 

 Gus found his name tag on the table!

 

 Gus will all of his school supplies!

 

 Gus' teacher Mrs. Sherry giving him and Bodee stickers!

 

 Gus' hook for his backpack and name tag for the first few days of school!

 

 They thought the big bear in the library was pretty cool!

 

 Although Bo's Open House was earlier that day,

he still needed to wear his back pack to this one!

 

 The library bulletin board!

Gus thought it was cool his was the first name!

 

GUS TOLLESON

 

 Gus snapped a picture of me at the high school Open House!

 

 Some girls had a table set up with punch and cookies...between Gus and Bo

I think they drank and ate most of it! By the time this picture was taken

Bodee had done went back home with Daddy!

 

 The night before preschool!!!

Of course Blackie had to have his picture taken, too!

 

 My baby boy!

 

 Ok enough pictures, Mom. I'm gonna watch my movie.

 

 Last night before becoming an official school boy!

 

My babies...

Yes, they usually end up in our bed sometime during the night!

Bo is easier to get up than Gus.

 

 LOL...this is what he thinks about mornings!!

I totally understand!!

 

 Ready Freddies!!

 

 The 1st Day - August 20, 2012

 

 Gus, Buzz and Woody

 

 Gus - Kindergarten

 

 Mommy and Gus

 

 Bo - Preschool

 

 Bo missed the memo about showing his backpack!

 

 Ready for Day 1!!!!

 

 August 21 - Day 2

His first lunch:

Turkey sandwich

Chips

Grapes

Cookies

Dr. Pepper

 

 Gus' 1st Homework Assignment:

Doggie Bag

They had to put 5 of their favorite things inside to tell their classmates more about them.

Gus chose:

a picture of him and Bodee playing t-ball

a Butterfinger wrapper

a firetruck train

a Lightening McQueen book

his Titanic souvenier

 

(I asked him today if they showed these because it was back in his backpack.

He said yes and told me what all he said about each thing.

He skipped the Butterfinger wrapper, and I asked what he said about that.

He said, "Oh. I thought that was trash."

Sweet boy!

 

 The front of the bag.

Gus and Barry colored the dog. Then Gus added his name and stickers.

 

The back of the bag.

Mrs. Sherry gave him a smiley face for a good job!

 

 

Gus and I dropped Bo off at Head Start at 7:34. He acted very shy but never cried. When we walked out Gus so worried about him asking me questions all the way to his classroom. He said he didn't know if we should leave him down there or not! Sweet brother.

 

Gus' reaction to his first day was, "I already knew everything." LOL.

They toured the school so I guess he meant he had already seen it!

He was very excited about music class. He said they're gonna get to play instruments

and today they sang E-I-E-I-O!

 

Unfortunately, the rest of Bo's day wasn't spent tear-free. He cried at different times throughout the day. When me and Gus walked in to pick him up after school, he yelled, "GUS!!" and threw his arms around him!! So sweet! Bo's 2nd day of preschool was awful. Well the drop off part anyway. He knew what was coming. Gus tried his best to help out offering Bo to help put his backpack away and assuring him we would be back soon. When we finally walked outside, I looked at Gus to find him crying. He said, "He never cried when I was with him at Mrs. Nina's." It broke my heart. Another day of this, and back to Mrs. Nina's Bo goes!! I called his teacher at 8:15 and he was eating breakfast! Later, Mrs. Heather told me he didn't cry the rest of the day and only puckered up at nap time. Nothing Blankey and Patty couldn't fix though! So glad they're allowed to bring things like that from home!! Gus enjoyed his 2nd day of Kindergarten. He wasn't in any kind of a mood to talk about it though. All he said was they did nothing. :)

I had a doctor's appointment so Granny picked them up. She asked who their best friend's were at school. Gus said Montana and Bo said the boy in the green shirt!

Come to find out, that boy was Logan Miller!

 

Day 3 - Drop off for Bo went better. He cried a little but nothing like yesterday! Mrs. Kristie told me that they had circle time today and she asked each of them what their favorite thing was and who their best friend was. Bo's favorite thing is the gas pump on the playground and his best friend is "that boy". He had to get up and point to him because he didn't know his name! Sure enough he pointed to Logan! Mrs. Kristie said at recess Logan would ride a lap on the tricycle and Bo would wait in the shade, then they switched. She tried to get them to each get a tricycle but they said they liked to share!! Sooooo glad he's making friends and having fun!!

 

I walked Gus to his room. I could tell he was much more comfortable with everything. He hung his back pack up, put his lunch box on the table and went to play with a couple more kids.

His lunch is during my prep period so I go sit with him for a little bit. It's so weird seeing him in there! He took a bologna sandwich today and when I walked in he had chipmunk cheeks and said, "Look, Mom, I ate all of my sandwich today!" Of course it was a little muffled because about half of the sandwich was still in his mouth!

 

I now know why we usually start school on a Wed or Thurs.

Getting adjusted to all this is exhausting!! So ready for the weekend!!

 

 



Daddy's Benefit - Sept. 8

So very thankful for an amazing community and amazing people!

A special thanks to: Jackie Jones, Kenny Fant, Joe Hill,

Andy Hogg, Vince Stranser, Joy Smith and Melissa Turner.

(I know there are more that are hands-on involved with putting this together...these are just

the names I've been given. Please know that your hard work does not go

unnoticed by the only one who can truly reward you one day! God bless all of you!)

Chemo - Day 1

Wednesday, August 15. After waiting 4 hours past surgery time, Dad finally gets port put in. Mom and I are in the waiting room when Dr. Dolan calls us back. He's the first doctor that has had anything positive to say in this 2 weeks. He was very encouraging by saying that Dad was much younger and in much better health than the pancreatic cancer patients he usually sees. He foresees Dad's body taking the treatments well and if the cancer reacts like it should, then Dad should even eventually be able to work again. Just having a doctor with this kind of positive attitude makes me feel so much better to know he is helping care for my Dad! A big thank you to Randy and Kelly for the visit and Cara for KFC!! Todd also came up that evening and pushed Dad around outside to get some fresh air. I know he enjoys the company!

The blood clot in his leg should dissolve in a few more days.

Thursday, August 16. They finally take the IV needle out of his arm. They run fluids through the port for 30 minutes...works great...chemo treatment next. Mom said he ate while he got the chemo. He went outside afterwards and was feeling good.

Dad said he has felt great the past 3 days...unfortunately he's spent those in the hospital! Praise God for the encouraging news and everything going well! Please say a prayer that the chemo treatments work to destroy the cancer and at the same time don't make Dad sick. Also pray for my Mom.

Thank you to everyone who texts, calls, and messages me checking on him. I try to respond to everyone, but I'm sure I miss people along the way!! I really do appreciate it. Keep it coming.
A BIG thank you to those that have went to hospital and visited. It's easy to get discouraged when there are no visitors.
The BIGGEST thank you goes to all the prayer worriers!!!!! Thank you so very much.

Results

PET scan showed cancer is also in his right lung.

His left ankle was swollen so doctor sent him for a Doppler.

Doppler showed blood clot behind his knee.

Admitted to hospital and put on medicine to dissolve clot.

Port will be put in tomorrow and chemo started soon.

Will be at St. Joe's Room 444 for at least another 2-3 days.